LA County Fair: Quest for the Holy Grail

Every year, Ditto Dawg and Steve Doggie-Dogg make the trek out to Pomona to participate in the orgy of eating, drinking and nursing sore feet known as the Los Angeles County Fair. The goal of each year's visit is to uncover the Best Dog of the Fair. The two intrepid dogophiles have eaten enough fair dogs to build a log cabin out of, and only once have they found the perfect hot dog. Unfortunately, like all perfect things, it proved to be ephemeral, and in subsequent years, Steve and Ditto haven't been able to find it again.



It would help to start out by outlining the stringent research method these two boys employed to ferret out the world's most perfect dog. Arriving a half hour before the fair opened, they ditched their car with the valet (who wants to walk a mile to their car after a long day at the fair?) and hopped the tram heading to the far end of the fairgrounds... the old aircraft hangers that house the commercial exhibits. The commercial exhibits are always the best attraction at the fair... hucksters demonstrating vegetable peelers and dicers, cute oriental women offering free sample back rubs using miraculous battery operated vibrators, teenage girls offering to wash a hand using mink oil soap with amazing regenerative properties... In short, if you're not shy, you can have a lot of fun giving "unsolicited testamonials" in return for free samples!


A doll lady displays her wares
at the commercial exhibit area at the fair.
The day started with a pass down the aisles of one of the commercial exhibit buildings. Naturally, after this kind of strenuous exercise, one works up a mighty thirst... It was time for a visit to the Imported Beer stand! "Who cares if it's ten in the morning? This quest is being conducted in the name of SCIENCE!" After a round of Asahi, the two dedicated dogologists were again refreshed and reinvigorated, ready to resume their perusal of the next building of commercial exhibits... As soon as that building was exhausted, however, they were sporting another mighty thirst. As the boys took in each building and slaked the resultant thirst, their "unsolicited testamonials" became more exuberant and emphatic... "Sweet mother of pearl! That's the MOST EXQUISITE salsa I've ever tasted... and it was a DREAM to make with this ingenious little device! Tell me more, I beg of you!" The demonstrators began to get wise to Ditto and Steve's liquid enhancements and turned a cold shoulder to their unsolicited testamonials. Well, what the heck... That just means it's time for a hot dog.



The fair has hot dogs of all sizes, shapes and descriptions. But Steve and Ditto were focused on rooting out the UBER-DOG... nothing but the best would do! Before ordering they conducted a painstaking interview of the concession stand operator. "Do these dogs have natural casings that snap when you bite into them?" "What types of meat is this dog made of? Beef? Pork? Bird Meat?" "Can you give us any references to people who have eaten one of these dogs recently?" If the dog seemed to be a worthy candidate, the boys ordered up a pair and analyzed the quality on a five point scale. After several dogs, it's was back again to the commercial exhibits, and of course to the Imported Beer stand.



As the day wore on, Ditto and Steve sampled Wisconsin Brats, Half Pound Monster Dogs, Piggly Wiggly Dogs, Corn Dogs on a Stick and a myriad of other dog styles found at the fair. But that elusive "Five Dog" champion was never forthcoming. Exhausted by a long day of research, with the sun setting in the West, the boys plunked themselves down on a park bench located behind the Imported Beer stand, out of the sight of the crowd. Soon they realized that they had found the spot where the carny folk sit and eat... game barkers, spook house guides and roller coaster operators sat drinking beer and swapping colorful stories in an almost indecipherable lingo of their own... "So two Jimmies and a stake come up and I give them the patter... pretty soon they were partin' with the long green big time!"


Steve Doggie-Dogg's eyes lit up. If anyone at the fair knew where the best dog could be found, these were the folks! "Excuse me," he spoke up. "We're looking for the best hot dog at the fair... It has to have the skin that snaps and the spicy juice that squirts in your mouth when you chomp down on it..." One of the carney toughs eyed Steve and Ditto suspiciously, looked around to his compatriots to see if they approved, then leaned forward and whispered, "You want to go hit LEROY'S roach coach. It's at the top of the chute in a corner by the gate." Steve-Doggie Dogg and Ditto Dawg thanked the roustabout profusely and got up to find Leroy. But the pain in their feet and the lure of the Asahis was great...



After an hour or two (who's counting, anyway?) Ditto and Steve made their way up through the Fun Zone. Flashing lights and spinning carnival rides danced before them like fireworks. The Hot Dog on a Stick shacks glowed flourescent yellow like radioactive lemonade. The whole world seemed to have turned into liquid color. Toward the top of the carnival area, in a dark, deserted corner, stood an old trailer set off by itself. Steve and Ditto approached it, confident that it was the roach coach they were searching for. Inside, an old, toothless black gentleman sat in a battered folding lawn chair, peering out into the darkness. Steve went up to the window and asked, "Are you Leroy?" "I sho' am!" the old gentleman replied. "Well, we've been told that you have the hot dogs that snap when you bite into them..." "I sho' do... nach'ral casin's... a reeeealll down home dawg! How many yo' want?" Ditto and Steve ordered a couple and a side of fries. The old guy busied himself preparing the food, humming and singing to himself as he worked. Finally, he presented the dogologists with a couple of textbook examples of perfect dogs. They took the dogs over to a bench closer to the action on the midway and bit in. The carney roustabout was right. Leroy did have the world's best dog.


Steve Doggie-Dogg befriends
the Pomona Police Force.
When the dogs were devoured and the last fry disappeared, the Asahis started pushing at the weary researchers' bladders. They wandered down the Fun Zone to find restrooms. "How 'bout another dog?" Ditto asked as they exited the john. "Sounds good to me." Steve replied. They headed back towards Leroy's coach. But strangely enough, the landmarks at the top of the Fun Zone looked a little different on their return... "Wasn't the Spin n' Twirl to the left of Leroy's?" "No, I think it was next to the KooKoo Fun Haus..." They combed every inch of the midway, but never found that dark corner again.

Was it the Asahi?... Perhaps. But the dogs were real. Leroy's out there somewhere with his dogwagon. Every year, Ditto Dawg and Steve Doggie-Dogg religiously repeat their pilgrimage, hoping to again find the holy grail of hotdogs. So far, no luck... maybe next year.